Today has probably been the most revealing part of this revitalization of my life. I spoke to a friend of mine whom is a psychologist. We sat down to just discuss what was going on my life since I had gotten married. I told him that it was fine but it was work. I began to tell him about the issues that I was having with my wife. I then began to tell him all that I was doing to make everything right with us. I told him about the gift giving and all of the extra things I would do to let her know that I was trying to make this the best marriage possible. my friend did nothing but listen to me talk for about 2 hours. I also told him that I thought I was the best man there was. I told him that no man could compare to me when it came to the way I treated my wife. Then after listening all this time he asked me one question. He said, "DO you think your wife is completely happy?" I told him that she wasn't. Then he asked another question. He asked, "If you are such the good man that you think you are or say that you are, then why is she not happy?" I sat back in my seat and then began to think for a second and then I proceeded to answer by saying that it wasn't me it was her. She is the one that doesn't understand. I told him that she doesn't understand a good thing when she sees it. He then made a small statement. He said, "If you are so good and you are doing everything you think is right, it might not be her, it just might be you." I looked at him as if he were crazy. How could it be me when i was the one doing everything right? He said nothing else to me and that was the end of our conversation.
Then I started thinking. I started thinking about everything that he had said. But I just couldn't wrap it around my mind to think that it was me. I then started looking back on things that had happened between us. I started looking at the conversations and the arguments and everything that I thought was wrong. I thought about the answers I gave and the statements I made. I thought about the tones that I used and the times that I talked about things that I thought were wrong. I even thought about the number of times I brought of things that I thought were wrong. When I finally finished evaluating this, I realized that my friend was right, it wasn't her, IT WAS ME! I was the won adding fuel to the fire. I made little arguments bigger that what they were. The tone that I was using was as if I were talking to a child, scolding them about something they had done wrong. At least 3 time out of the week, I was coming home discussing something that I thought was wrong. I thought to myself WOW! I realized that I was driving my wife crazy with all of this. The whole time I was thinking it was her when all along it was me. Here she was, this great woman who made life simple for me. Hot meals everyday when I got home. She was concerned about my well being because she always wanted to know what was going on in my life. She was understanding because she never complained about the time I spent working on my writing career. And what was I doing? Ignoring the beauty that she was bestowing upon me by being there for me. When I was sick, she made sure that i had everything that I needed. If she needed to take off work, she would have. Here is the beautiful woman that I couldn't see for my own faults. I had hidden issues that I didn't realize.
Once I broke all of this down I realized that I am a conceited, shallow, always have to be right, bitter, boring person that held everything bad that happened inside and let it out whenever something bad happened, even if it was small. If she did something as simple as misplace something of mine that I was working on, I would bring it up and then change the subject and flip it to where we were discussing something that she had done that was really bad. I would always make it seem as if she was the bad guy and I was always the good guy. I always looked at her flaws and never her good qualities.
So today, I am changing my life. I make a vow to never make my wife seem like the bad guy. I vow to look at the good things about her and not her flaws. I vow to take the time and discuss things with her instead of treating her as if she is a child. I vow to show her more love by just being there for her. Yes, I was doing all the good things that a good man should do, but I was also doing things that a good man shouldn't do and you can't expect for someone to appreciate you when your doing good and bad things all at once. Doing this causes a balance and when you're in love, there is no balance. There is no balance because at any given moment the tables can turn and either one you can be responsible for the entire relationship. If we depended on balance, then when the tables turn, we would be screwed. I love my wife with all my heart and I have recognized my faults and flaws and I am willing to change them to make things right between us. Now I have to tell her this in order to make things right....wish me luck!
"Pride is a word that can be left alone, but not forgotten about"-K.J Swint
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